Monday, October 5, 2015

Getting Old


I realized that... on this day, I’m getting old, old, and old. I just wondering how I can survive and struggling. Everyhing is different. Day by day, everythings changing. Nothings change and  I’m afraid that I cannot control my self, handle my life, then I just scattered with the wind. Blow up like summer breeze and no one realized that I  came and passed around them.

I’m just afraid, everyhing will be going worse and I can’t do anyhing except show gloomy face. I just thought that... my life.. my age.. going so sudden. I thought I was five years old girl. Or, if I want, I just  baby. A little baby that so fragile. I have to protected. People must around me to againts danger .But I’m big girl right know – in early twenty years old. So old and so wasting time.

I have to protect my self and being indepently. But, how come? Many peoples happy when they celebrate their birthday. Getting old was so terrible for me. I’m afraid that I will live this life with loneliness. I’m getting old alone. No one allowed me to enters they life circle. And I’m not allowed them to get in to my life.

Getting old is so frightening. Its the time when people gazing you with their statement (or judgment). I’m an adult right know. Not half an adult again. Not a teenager again. Not a children again. I’m adult! So it makes me wondering, wondering, and wondering. How to be an adult? How to be a human? How be happy? How to avoid sadness? How to againts mad? How to not hurt? How to not hate...?

In my age, I’m curious if I hurt many people. So then, they will hate me. Well, being an adult is so complicates. Everyone bublling about you. In behind you, they’re whispering about your life. At the end, you just have to listening them and try to forget everything. Its so exhausted when I always thought about “being an adult”. Its difficult for me. I have to realize that an adult have to stand “alone” face everything by yourself. And.. the most terrible is... face this mean world with my little hand.

How come?

In the past, when I’m wondering about getting old, I decided to not “getting old”. I want fused with time. Being  a clock. I want to be the moments, the time. But how can a little creature like me can do anything what I want? I can’t be moments or time or everything that cannot getting old. I still human until right now.

In fact, I wanted to be a breeze. Everyone whispering about the life I've ever met. But I was an ordinary person who can not be merged with time. But I still ordinary human being consumed by time. Now, I'm more in doubt, whether humans are immortal as claimed by Sapardi? Time is mortal, he said. I suddenly doubtful about the time and human - as well as the rolling distance between them